没有他的第三天

在想，到底这会持续到第几天？我当然希望是在回到布里斯班之前就该结束，但我深知到这是不可能的，没什么原因，不可能就是不可能，因为我觉得我对你没那么快完，当然，这是我单方面的想法，真的很cheap!

人家说out of sight out of mind,但也有人说absence makes the heart grow fonder，我，对我来说，前者的说法不成立，一点也不，后者说法非常正确，我的确是越见不到，就越喜欢越想念。时间一秒秒的过，我对他的感觉却没有随着时间而流失，反而像澳洲洪水泛滥一样，更是一发不可收拾，有点夸张，但的确可以这么样来形容。今天一打开facebook，见你也把in a relationship也删掉了，我就更加明白到一切都不可重来，真的没有挽留的机会了，就连那一丝一线的希望也没有。其实我真的早料到会是这样的结果，只不过我还是天真，听好友劝告，说再等几天看看情况如何再算吧。好笑，好笑的是，当好友跟我说再等等看可能就会有好转呢，让他在冷静吧，我会对他们说，算了，我知道那是不可能的，因为他是做了决定就不会轻易改变的人。可是，打从我的心里，每一晚，也不完全是晚，而是每一秒，我都多么希望收到sms/call,跟我说让我们继续在一起吧!哈哈，我真的口说一套心想一套，果真是个假人!!很讽刺！我不敢对别人说我还想要你，对，就是你，因为我已经觉得我没有资格再讨任何人了，你让我觉得我彻彻底底是个失败的女友，没有为男友设想的人，没有把男友放在眼里的人。我真的很失败。

昨晚也是哭着的睡，有时候希望我可以独睡一房间，那么我可以放纵的哭，任由我哭也没人来替我担心，因为我不想要别人为我担心。今天和昨天一样，就在6am醒了，因为爸过来替我们关冷气，可通常我都会睡到像猪一样，为何这几天却不让我像猪一样睡，为什么一定要让我醒了，然后就哭，然后又睡？这样的日子会在布里斯班重现吗？我不要，因为我不想让全世界的人看到我如此的惨，如此的脆弱。我不喜欢。我到现在真的还天真以为你会回心转意，然后我们就相安无事，回到布里斯班以后，我去帮你整理水灾后的后患，你来帮我整理我的房间，平平淡淡却又带点甜丝丝的老伴互相帮助的感觉，哈哈，我真的好会幻想。可是，事实就像歌词一样，有多少爱可以重来？

昨晚看回我们的sms,忽然间令我觉得一阵心寒，寒就寒在原来爱情可以像龙卷风一样来的快去的快。在大该december2/3/4，看到你的msg里头也有说，ya,i miss u too.love u lotss.在December14（日期不肯定），也有说love you too.结果，在January10，就那么的一句做回普通朋友比较好。厉害，爱情果然是善变的，也许说世事无常啊。在短短的一个月内，竟然可以从miss u/love u到friends。这样不代表什么，只表达说我真的非常的差，差到可以无预告的就被甩了。哈哈，真好笑。也许你已经给我一些预告，只是我没意识到，所以我真的不能怪任何人。只能怪自己又再一次显示我的笨，haih,sad :(

是我太执着了吗？你应该会认为说我太执着了，你都已经说好做回朋友了，那样不就好了吗，为何还要苦苦纠缠呢？这也许也是我没为你设想的一面吧。我其实没纠缠，可我觉得，在一起是两个人的事，分手应该也是两个人的事，可为何你一个人做了决定，再告诉我，然后要我接受，难道我能说不吗？不能，因为我根本没有说话的余地，连谈的机会也没有。有是有，那就是在分手后才谈，而不是分手前谈。我很心痛。也许对于你来说这就已经settled了，可是我单方面认为还没有，但却也无能为力了，因为我知道我根本不能争取到什么了。也许有，那就是"朋友"这两个字.....

有人在看吗？是神吗？神，你可以回应我吗？可以把他还我吗？

神说：“不能，因为他不要！”

原来这就是结局.......

没有他的第二天

昨天，正式失去他。所以昨天应该是第一天。痛，真的很痛。我终于明白我姐的感受是如何，原来真的是针不刺到肉是不知痛的，我现在彻底感觉到那痛。这是报应吗？是因为之前我伤害过我的好朋友，坚持跟他一起，让她伤心，所以现在是现眼报，让我也尝尝那滋味。为何好的不报要报坏的？难道这么多年来我一件好事也没做过，所以没有好东西报？又或者说我坏的东西做太多，所以已经盖过我的好，就唯有报坏的呢？

快两年了，到头来还是得到入不敷出四个字。何谓入不敷出？我真的很笨，超笨。一直以为你说的男女朋友间应该是到达了family的境界，所以说男的要把女的当成是自己人，女的也要把男的当成是自己人。我有，我真的有把你当成自己人，甚至听到你说25岁结婚的念头，我一时会开心起来，觉得说再多等几年就是属于我俩的世界。既然都已经把你当成自己人，所以就不会去计较谁付出多，谁得到少？爱，不是应该不计较吗？难道爸妈也会计较对孩子的爱？难道爸妈对孩子也会有感情淡了的一天就因为爸妈觉得入不敷出？ 好笑，真的好笑，为何这些话我只能在心里默默说，却没有勇气说出口。 何谓爱？我真的以为爱一个人可以不计较，虽然口上会骂骂骂说他/她不好啦，又怎么怎么样啦，可是心里头总有一些情会为那个他/她说些好话。嘴里说一套，心里想的却又是另一套，这就是我。我承认这是非常不好的行为，可我就是改不了。我承认，我之前有说过我姐坏话，我不知道她为何一而再再而三的花钱，我嘴里有骂，可是心里还是会担心，她这月够不够钱用？ 学费够不够？她还会向爸妈要钱吗？我也觉得另一姐霸道，太过控制我，连我要去见你，也得问过她。其实她真的不如你想象中的如此越权。我知道我要去找你，我只需要向爸妈征求同意，但是，你会觉得说为什么还需要问姐呢？ 因为我真的希望去找你是得到我全家人的同意和祝福，我不想要因为这一点小事而搞到有一丝的吵架，我真的不喜欢。至于我的那位朋友，我也每次向你投诉她的不好，但是我真的没恶意，纯粹只想发牢骚，结果也令到她对我失望了。真的伤心。看着朋友一个一个减少，却也好像无能为力。若真的爱，就不会说计较。若真的爱，也不会feel不到我对你的爱。

幸福，对你而言是什么东西？我不敢问你了，因为你说若我有替你想，就不会落到每次要你口述的地步。所以你累了。对我而言，幸福真的很简单。每天收到你的sms,call.虽然sms没有内容，只是口头上的嘘寒问暖，吃饱了吗？在做什么？记得睡觉，别玩游戏太久bla bla bla 之类的话，可是我依然觉得幸福，因为那是发自内心的关心，我真的觉得温暖，很温暖那种。可能你会认为每一次都是你先发sms,你先call,所以让你觉得累了，我无话可说。每一次听你call,听到你的声音，真的让我不知不觉的感到安慰，过了一整天，在学校见不到你，晚上终于听到你的声音，真的很安慰。现在这些都只能成为回忆。哈哈就让我慢慢回忆好咯。

我不敢说我可以很快放下你，因为我觉得我真的需要很长的时间。你说做回普通朋友，不是不可以，而是对我来说会比较难。因为我现在还喜欢你，若我当你是朋友，我sms你，你reply我，我继续sms的话，就好象变成了对你有一种歪念，这样不好的。对你来说，可能你真的做得到，对我来说，我未必。但我却又不想失去你这个好朋友好知己。所以我尽快尽量收拾心情，好好和你谈话。我希望佛陀可以加持我，阿弥陀佛。

我祝福你幸福快乐。

i need stephen chow

你不喜欢被人约束,那么你自己应该先以身作则,不要去约束别人!!你自己都知道被人
控制的感觉不好,为何你却偏偏要来控制我的呢?我做什么事都必须经过你们,但你们
做什么却没经过我,只因为我是最小的吗?我说话大声了一点,就说我没礼貌.那么请
问你们有时骂架的时候,那算什么呢?难道哪叫有道理吗?在你心中,如果说我硬硬撑
到底,你会用一个词来带过,说我太过顽固,不听劝告,一直要赢!!那么你自己又为什
么一定要讲赢我呢?你又是以什么心态来和我谈呢?你难道也不是只为了要说我说到
心服口服才甘愿吗?你也是带着不认输的态度来和我讲话啊,那么为什么我就得偏偏
要认输,然后再认错?呢?你每天挂在嘴边说我不认输,酱你又曾几何时认输过?没有,一
次都没有.在你的立场,你认为你有你的道理,那么,站在我的立场,我也是认为我有我
的道理,所以我才会撑,我相信你也是一样的,那么你就不应该说我顽固,然后就推开
了我所要说的话!!!!我临走前就说过,我不会再任性发你们脾气,所以我什么都忍,真
的都忍了.我生气又不能骂,你生气又可以骂我说我这样那样,哪算公平?!早知道是这
样,我就不应该发愿啦,真笨啊,邱淑君!!!!!猪头!!!我真是猪头!!讨厌讨厌讨厌死人
了!!!

哈哈哈哈哈大笑
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈
甘愿了,终于发完了牢骚,心情平复下来,是时候去看看笑戏,让我再哈哈哈哈哈哈大
笑回!!

=(

天没眼,真的没有眼.若是它有长眼睛,它怎么会一而再,再而三的要我的父母担心?它
的眼睛没看到那些每天为生活而奔波忙碌的好人.它的眼睛也从来都看不见那些疼爱
自己孩子而自己吃苦也不敢多埋怨半句的好人,因为它的眼睛长的太高了,它只看到
那些高高在上的人,它也并不会费时来低头看看那些卑微的好人.所以说,它不长眼睛
.我不喜欢它.因为它很很,是超级的很不公平!!!佛说三世因果经,今生之福是过去所
造成,来生的福是当今所种下的,那么,请问我的父母在过去造了什么孽,要他们现在
受苦呢?活了大半辈子,除了平日吃肉讲是非,也没做过什么错事了.就算你给了豹子
胆他们,我量他们也不敢犯错,因为他们是多么的怕事,怕是非的人.结果,还是得受苦
.反之,那些杀人不眨眼,还可以大摇大摆做官的人却活在荣华富贵当中,一点也不了
解民生之苦!!难道这叫天理?不要骗我说那些有钱人前世修来的福,我呸!!!!我再呸
!!!简直是吐口水!!!!难道那些前世有修到福气的人,今生就有权力去滥杀无辜,然后
再把别人加罪??!!
我真的求你,我真的求求你,你不要再让他们伤心,担心.我求你..我真的求你...你要
我怎么样求你,你才会答应我?他们真的不是什么坏人,没必要这么受苦....真的没必
要......

2009 十二个月事件大回顾

一月:
~ 与好朋友在JPA pre-departure briefing见面.很开心可以和jj,mary anne 再在
一起谈天.

二月:
~ 过新年,拿红包的时候是最开心不过的wahahhahahahaha,有这么多红包就拿这么多
!!!
~ 在14日这一天,我到澳洲读书了.双眼哭得红肿,真丢脸.

三月:
~ 开学了,到了大学很兴奋.与朋友到处走走.有一天晚上看见一颗流星闪过,我立刻
说i want a boyfriend.hahhahahahaha
~ 突然间有一天他竟然说他蛮喜欢我的.我的心如乱麻.
~ 就在31日,我和他在一起了.爸妈和姐姐都说太快了!!!!kakakkakakakka

四月:
~ 2日,我们一起在图书馆做chem quiz.hahahaha,幸好没有把你的quiz毁在我的手上
,11/12还算不错了.buahahahhaa
~ 4日,我们约了10am在uq main bus stop见面,然后就一起出去走走.结果你发送短
讯说i missed the bus,now still waiting for the bus,will be there in another
10-15mins,paiseh har.哇哈哈哈,第一次约会迟到,当然扣分吧,咯咯,幸好我也还没
有准备好.哈哈哈.然后,我们就坐citycat去到了city.终于能和喜欢的人一起坐citycat,
第一个愿望已经达成!!原本打算要去mt-cootha,但是我们还是赶不上巴士,哈哈哈,最
后我们走路去southbank.你带我到grey street的cupcake店,买了一盒cupcake.哇咯
咯,第二个愿望也完成了.谢谢你=)我们再继续走啊走,结果就牵上你的手了.内心无比
的开心,但没有表现出来,免得被你笑我傻.大约下午4点多,我们就回家了.你在我的手
上吻了一下,我更是心跳麻痹快要死掉的感觉.最最最令我觉得甜蜜的是,你的sms,简
单的一句i love you.wahahhahahaa,sweet one=)
~ 5日,我的生日那一天,我到你家,你送我花,我的第三个愿望又被实现了.你问我对
你是不是真的,然后你说你已经把整颗心还有所有的感情放进去了,所以要我认真,不
要把你给伤害了.我知道的.
~ 20日, 我们要搬家了,搬到一个和你更加靠近的地方.很开心,因为可以住新家,有
新的感觉.

五月:
~ 13日,你的生日.烦恼了两个星期要买什么礼物给你,原本打算送你一个印了我俩照
片的puzzle,但是我和你的合照太少,所以换了.想到要送自己编织的围巾,又觉得太
俗气,加上在那儿的天气是根本用不着的,所以又换.最终买了个手表,结果你不适合
,拿去换,我发脾气,令你害怕和内疚.hahaha,对不起,真的不是故意令你不好过的.但
,令我最意外的是你竟然买一个相机给我.我真的哭了,明明是我不对,你却对我如此
的好,令我感到实在惭愧.现在想想,可能你的确要我愧疚的,对吗?hahahahaha...
~ 应该还有发生了一些事情,但我忘记了细节.就这样,五月过了....

六月:
~ 大家为了考试而忙.读书读书..
~ 27日,姐姐终于来了!!我们一起去吃喝玩乐!!爽,真的是超爽!

~ 六月里头我们继续玩,结果我破产了=( wakakakakaka

七月:
~ 还是假期,还是在玩,哈哈.

八月:
~ 新学期,当然有新的玩意儿啦,就是placement!!兴致勃勃的搭火车到cleveland,看
到新地方就特别兴奋,拍照!!!继续拍照!!!哈哈哈.....
~ 9日,shen被热油烫伤了,真可怜!
~ 10日,我的鞋子烂了,没穿鞋子走路回家,哭了一整晚,又令你担心.第二天,你竟然
买来了fruit loops和shampoo,哈哈,真的很好笑!!你真的很可爱=)我在想,若现在我
哭了,你会买coco puffs吗?我觉得你会说,再哭的话,我就绑你在树上,然后就鞭,不
然就绑在树上,然后请别人吃点心和豆腐花,让我没得吃!!我不相信,因为你不舍得的
.哈哈哈.
~ 27日,星期四,早下课,你问要不要看戏,然后我扭扭捏捏的,结果没有去成,让你又
再次觉得我对你不认真.你的msg说得真的有点伤感,duno how wan say la,you like
langsung tak berminat in me de.看到这样子,我的心又往下沉.又是我不好了,真
的是糟糕透的女朋友!!去到你家,我抱着你,不知该说什么,只是声声的对不起..真的
对不起.然后你又送我回家.那一天你说我,我对你做什么都可以.谢谢,谢谢.

九月:
~ 应该是普通日子吧,上课下课,出去走走,没有什么特别.
~ shen的生日,哈哈,我弄了一个超级硬的choc mud cake给她.咯咯,希望她不嫌弃就
好.

十月:
~ 应该也是读书,吃饭,上课和下课.没什么重要事情发生吧.

十一月:
~ 准备考试了,大家又忙起来了.
~ 考试完毕,我们去玩了!!很高兴,又可以尽情的玩!!
~ 离回家的日子快近了,又开心又伤心.haih.

十二月:
~ 2日,我们和你的朋友去了dracula's看表演和用餐,晚上回到你家休息.真希望那一
天能够长达48小时,甚至于72小时或者更长,因为真的很少时间和你单独一起,不懂为
什么,就是很少,真的很少.
~ 4日,我们又搬家了!!little jane street,名字是如此的甜,就像住在那里的两个
女孩!!哇哈哈=)
~ 6日, 我回家啦!!要和你说再见啦.
~ 回到家,无所事事的时候,就是想你的时候.可是我说了你也不会相信的,因为最终
就换来你的一句没有心.哈哈..就因为我答应你要去看你,可是时间问题,一拖再托,结
果,又令你感到灰心.你的没有心的确令人伤心.这么久了,还是觉得我没有心.真是糟
透的我,为何不能给你安全感?为何不能令你放心?为何只会加重你的烦恼?真不该!!在
想,为何我只会让你担心却不能让你开心?我真的开始怕,怕有一天你累了,该怎么办才
好?!
~ 31日,我发誓,我一定要做一个令你安心的女朋友!但愿时间允许,所以祈求你还龙
马精神,精神奕奕的,让你不会这么累!!哈哈哈.

If

If by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

If only i were a poet...

the imperfect me

My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness. . . I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

"Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times

My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?" He said :" I will give you your answer tomorrow.... " My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....

My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.." This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. "When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy. You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. " My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting. .... and as I continue on reading...

"Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...

I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread...... Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...

That's life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form.. . flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... and that's our life... Love, not words win arguments...
-unknown, 2009-

this post really makes me notice my imperfection. what a lousy girlfriend i've always been! i demand too much from you but i've never cared about what you need. i'm too kiddy and childish until i couldn't even take good care of myself. you're the one who is always there to protect me but i've never looked after you properly even when you're sick. i'm the one who is always hot-tempered and you're the one who has to bear with me silently. haisy, your perfection has reflected my imperfection! i think i've promised you that i'd change to be a better one, but it seems like i haven't gone too far for the changes. i'm still at the same old spot, have never changed though i remind myself to change. what's wrong with me? i really hate the feeling when i make you feel that you're like rubbish. no, not at all. you are NOT rubbish. talking about rubbish, i've really got the feeling that i'm a rubbish. trash. hahhaha, can't be recycled, no value at all. rubbish like me should be disposed to a landfill, but why would i still deserve a good lover like you? haiyo, this makes me feel even more guilty. i fear that one day you'd get tired of me, then what would happen between us? that day on the phone when we're talking about fiona, suddenly you blurted out that "sometimes it's tiring talking to you". i was a bit "terasa" actually. plus my hormone level was imbalanced, that's why i talked to you rudely after that, i'm really sorry if i hurt you, i shouldn't be too sensitive. i'm sorry. just because of my bad-tempered, you have to suffer for the whole day, that friday night when i saw you didn't eat well, i really felt there's a pain in the heart. so so so so so so so so so so bad of me to make you emo for no reason. dui bu qi. now, i feel that my long wait since semester 1 has blossomed into such a sweet n lovely flower, i want to keep it long-lasting. i want my flower to bloom even more in the future, hahaha, if possible, into a tree and then the tree would produce more love fruits heeeheeee... so cute..eheh,sounds weird, why and how would a flower blossom into a tree? possible or impossible? haiya don't know la, this is not a scientific post so not necessarily everything has to be reasonable right? right? anar anar, right right just to reassure myself muahahaha, bodoh. ermm, wait, where did i stop just now? ooh, about the tiredness. if i were granted 3 wishes, the 1st one would be the greediest, that is i want ong sang geng not to be tired in our relationship and won't get tired AT ALL in the future no matter what happens. 2nd: i want us to stay happy and sweet forever. the 3rd is the simplest one: i want another 1000 wishes to wish for what i haven't wished for. wahahahhaa,pretty simple right. i'm not that greedy, i know you can do it. so please har, if you can't fulfill all the wishes, at least the 1st two wishes must be granted. that's my birthday wish for my next year, now am using the quota. so u must bless me, ok? deal? DEAL!! hhahahaa thx thx thx heaps!! and and and, this post would open for all readers just for today. i hope he could read this. hahahahahahaha,i love you if you're reading this! whoohoohooo.